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I know I'm a day late and for that I apologise but I have had a really rough week and its only getting worse. I contemplated a lot on whether or not I should share this with you all. I find it very hard to share my feelings. My opinions, sure no problem but feelings? not so much. There is something about sympathy that is just too close to pity that makes me really uncomfortable.
My mother is very sick, she's been diagnosed with cancer for about a year now and she's not doing very well. She's been strong and brave and has been doing well mentally for the past year. This past week however was a significant turning point where things changed for the worst. I am slowly watching parts of her leave me. At some points its her mind and physically she is weak. I pride myself on being the strong one, always there for everyone else, taking on the world on my shoulders because I knew I could make myself strong enough to handle it. If I cant handle it then who will? I guess I always felt it was my responsibility to take on that role. I have heard it so many times growing up, that I am the strong one in the family.
I have believed it all these years until now, I am not strong, at least I certainly don't feel that way. I am scared, terrified and somehow that makes me feel weak. For the first time I only appear to be strong but inside, in my head I'm screaming and worried and in my heart there is sadness. I find myself very emotional these days, very moody as I am fighting tears even now writing these words. I realised that I am pushing myself to a breaking point and that I have all these emotions that I am not sharing with anyone, only to myself. Sometimes at night I cry myself to sleep and I wake to feel a little better, a little peace of mind.
It is for this realisation that I have a decided to share this with you, to set myself free and open the flood gates a bit. I do not wish to lose myself in this moment because no matter how weak I feel I must still be strong. I know one day I will lose her and the thought of her dying makes me feel like I would die too. Now I am not referring to suicide or anything so please don't get worried, I am not going off the deep end. Metaphorically speaking I just feel like I would die too, the person who I was before and who I am now I believe will cease to exist. For now I just cant see how I could ever be the same and all these thoughts surround me and weigh me down.
I lost my brother last year to cancer and now at some point I will lose my mother too. Well it is all up to God who will decide how much longer she will be in my life, so the best thing I can do is enjoy the moments I have with her now. Its hard and sad watching her sick and weak and losing herself but at least she is still here. I can talk to her, kiss her cheek, comfort her and hold her. She's everything to me......I love my mom.
I may be out of it for awhile but I will definitely be back. Until next time......
Witty Wednesday
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